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Jokes. Thread.
Topic Rating: +15 (15 votes) 
May 7, 2009
9:12 PM
Ashraf
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I will get us started off.

In light of all the talk over swine flu, here is something to lighten up the mood:

They said a black man would be president when pigs fly. 100 days into office and BAM – swine flu.

Laugh

May 8, 2009
1:10 AM
SKYC
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A young man in the apartment building goes to check his mail, when the door nearest the mailboxes opens up, and a very pretty young woman, dressed in only a white bathrobe goes to check hers.

As she does, she makes some advances towards the young man, who immediately starts to stammer, and blush. The young woman tells the young man,” I hear someone coming, lets go into my apartment”.

When she closes the door she allows the robe to fall, giving the young man a vision of loveliness never before seen to him, then she asks, “Now that you have seen me, what do you think are my best attributes”?

He thinks for a moment then says, “I think it's your ears”!, “My ears”?, “How in the world can you say that”?

Well….When you said, “you heard someone coming”? “That was me”!

May 8, 2009
2:17 AM
Ashraf
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Lol… it took me a while to get. I kind of feel like deleting it (supposed to be PG-13) but I doubt anyone that is not supposed to hear it would understand.

May 9, 2009
12:14 AM
Locutus
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There once was a snake named Nate who lived out in the country.  Near Nate's house, across the street, there was a lever.  This lever was peculiar in the fact that if someone pressed it, it would end the world.  One day, as Nate was crossing the street, a farmer came speeding down the road.  However, this farmer didn't have time to stop, so he had to choose between killing the snake or ending the world.  Of course, he chose Nate.  Why?

Better Nate than lever!!

Oh, the site that was :(
May 9, 2009
3:18 AM
Ashraf
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LOL. That was a good one.

May 11, 2009
1:28 PM
Ashraf
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

…To get to the other side LOL Laugh

May 11, 2009
2:05 PM
Locutus
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Website I just found:

http://www.greatfunnyjokes.com/

Oh, the site that was :(
May 11, 2009
5:06 PM
Ashraf
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Post the ones you like; I am too lazy to look through a website :P

May 11, 2009
6:29 PM
Locutus
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Me too.  I just found the site.  I only read one joke.

Oh, the site that was :(
May 12, 2009
12:04 PM
hahaguy
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Thanks to Jean-Luc Picard, I found this one that is interesting (especially among us geeks, hehe..)

Computer Terminology
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 – Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Laugh Life is good, what more with jokes like this…

May 12, 2009
12:09 PM
hahaguy
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Here is another one that I like:

Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't…"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

May 12, 2009
1:51 PM
Ashraf
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hahaguy said:

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.


LOL – best one.

May 12, 2009
1:53 PM
Ashraf
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hahaguy said:

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."


ROFL.

May 12, 2009
3:29 PM
hahaguy
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Hei, it wasn't my jokes. I simply 'lifted' it off from:

http://www.greatfunnyjokes.com/

Really, you guys should check it out (and that includes you Ashraf), there are some good ones over there…I had a laugh for a while just now…

Once again, thnx 2 Jean-Luc Picard for posting that link…

May 12, 2009
4:35 PM
Locutus
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I still think that the 486 is the best.  For anyone that doesn't know:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/X86

Or:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/X64

Oh, the site that was :(
May 13, 2009
4:39 AM
Ashraf
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Yo momma so fat,

1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.
3. she's got her own area code.
4. when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call.
5. she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.
8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. she wears aluminum siding.
10. she could fall down and wouldn't even know it.

***

11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
12. the sign inside one restaurant says, "Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma."
13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
19. she was zoned for commercial development.
20. when she sings, it's over for everybody.

***

21. she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.
22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.
24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy's word for it.
25. she gets group insurance.
26. she's on both sides of the family.
27. she can't reach her back pocket.
28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
30. when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

***

31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
32. we're in her right now.
33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.
35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
36. her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.
39. when she gets on the scale, it says "To be continued."
40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.

***

41. she fell in love and broke it.
42. when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, "Taxi."
46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
47. she could sell shade.
48. people jog around her for exercise.
49. she gets runs in her jeans.
50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.

***

51. she eats Wheat Thicks.
52. light bends around her.
53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.
56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
58. she has to wake up in sections.
59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.
60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.

***

61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
62. she comes at you from all directions.
63. when she was growing up she didn't play with dolls, she played with midgets.
64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.
65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.
66. she doesn't eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
67. Weight Watchers won't look at her.
68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.
69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled "boulevard."
70. I ran around her twice and got lost.

***

71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.
72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
73. when she's standing on the corner police drive by and yell, "Hey, break it up."
74. she's been declared a natural habitat for condors.
75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.
76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
77. her blood type is Ragu.
78. they had to let out the shower curtain.
79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.
80. she can't even fit in the chat room.

***

81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.
82. she doesn't have a tailor, she has a contractor.
83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
84. she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade…wearing ropes.
85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it's light she starts eating.
86. she's half Italian, half Irish, and half American.
87. when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "Okay.”
90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.

***

91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
92. her waist size is the Equator.
93. she’s got her own zip code.
94. she has to buy two plane tickets.
95. she stands in two time zones.
96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.
97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.

http://notorc.blogspot.com/200…..humor.html

Laugh

August 13, 2009
6:17 AM
The Living Spirit
England
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a new hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. A month later, the gentleman returned to the doctor and the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

Technically Motivated.com – the blog that makes Technology easier to understand and keeps you on the pulse of the latest happenings. Visit today for the latest Tech News, Freebies, Tips, Tricks and more; plus the ability to join a friendly Forum community, or even contribute your own material to be published on the blog. Our Motivation is Highlighting Tech Innovation. My Other Websites: ProjectHangman.com – Game and Software Development and Sharing site, with an emphasis on Community and keeping a positive link between Developer and User. True ZZT – Independent Game Project attempting to accurately recreate ZZT within MegaZeux. A Project Hangman microsite.
August 13, 2009
5:41 PM
Ashraf
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The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

http://www.ahajokes.com/gen21.html

August 17, 2009
6:37 PM
Locutus
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A man walks into a bar.

_____________

Oh, the site that was :(
August 17, 2009
6:37 PM
Locutus
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OUCH! He screams!

Oh, the site that was :(
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