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Jokes. Thread.
Topic Rating: +15 (15 votes) 
August 18, 2009
10:34 AM
The Living Spirit
England
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Oh, come on! That joke is SO 1990s…

Technically Motivated.com – the blog that makes Technology easier to understand and keeps you on the pulse of the latest happenings. Visit today for the latest Tech News, Freebies, Tips, Tricks and more; plus the ability to join a friendly Forum community, or even contribute your own material to be published on the blog. Our Motivation is Highlighting Tech Innovation. My Other Websites: ProjectHangman.com – Game and Software Development and Sharing site, with an emphasis on Community and keeping a positive link between Developer and User. True ZZT – Independent Game Project attempting to accurately recreate ZZT within MegaZeux. A Project Hangman microsite.
August 18, 2009
11:46 AM
Ashraf
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Your mom's so 1990s, HAHAHAHAHAHA.

…Oh crap I shouldn't have said that in public.

August 18, 2009
8:46 PM
The Living Spirit
England
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You know, Ashraf, for a guy who's so keen on laying down the law, you don't seem to obey your own rules very well yourself… no offence intended, of course

Technically Motivated.com – the blog that makes Technology easier to understand and keeps you on the pulse of the latest happenings. Visit today for the latest Tech News, Freebies, Tips, Tricks and more; plus the ability to join a friendly Forum community, or even contribute your own material to be published on the blog. Our Motivation is Highlighting Tech Innovation. My Other Websites: ProjectHangman.com – Game and Software Development and Sharing site, with an emphasis on Community and keeping a positive link between Developer and User. True ZZT – Independent Game Project attempting to accurately recreate ZZT within MegaZeux. A Project Hangman microsite.
August 19, 2009
12:07 AM
Ashraf
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JJSlider said:

You know, Ashraf, for a guy who's so keen on laying down the law, you don't seem to obey your own rules very well yourself… no offence intended, of course


Guilty as charged. Too bad its my website =P.

On a serious note, what rule did I break there?

August 19, 2009
12:21 AM
amnesia
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Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear “the rules”
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1”
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have < B>no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine n PERFECT…..
Really!!!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

August 19, 2009
5:20 PM
amnesia
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How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
6 to argue over whether it's “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop
4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years
12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it
1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb
1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads
12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell
1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs
1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum
5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.
32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore
8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.
6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs
15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs
6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong
1 to ask that forum staff backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs
11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn't we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

August 20, 2009
12:14 AM
Locutus
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And 0 lightbulbs in anyone's heads.

Oh, the site that was :(
August 20, 2009
11:11 AM
Jyo
NY
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August 20, 2009
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Yo mama is so fat, when she got pregnant….people said, “Boy, that's an ugly pimple ya got there.”  Surprised

August 20, 2009
1:50 PM
Ashraf
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Why did God make women beautiful? So men can love them.

Why did God make women stupid? So women can love men.

ROFL.

My *cough*friend*cough* told me that one and I LOL'ed…. even though I am a guy.

August 20, 2009
3:55 PM
The Living Spirit
England
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Amnesia's jokes are sooo true. And they're original too. Which makes them even more hilarious Laugh

Technically Motivated.com – the blog that makes Technology easier to understand and keeps you on the pulse of the latest happenings. Visit today for the latest Tech News, Freebies, Tips, Tricks and more; plus the ability to join a friendly Forum community, or even contribute your own material to be published on the blog. Our Motivation is Highlighting Tech Innovation. My Other Websites: ProjectHangman.com – Game and Software Development and Sharing site, with an emphasis on Community and keeping a positive link between Developer and User. True ZZT – Independent Game Project attempting to accurately recreate ZZT within MegaZeux. A Project Hangman microsite.
September 5, 2009
3:02 AM
amnesia
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Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

September 5, 2009
3:07 AM
amnesia
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

September 5, 2009
3:09 AM
amnesia
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Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

September 5, 2009
11:11 AM
Ahmagudguy
U.S.A. - Springfield, Illinois
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                   The Billings, Montana Bear

A bear walks into a bar in  Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
 
The bartender approaches and says,

'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ..'

The bear, very angry now, says,

'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says,

'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says,

'I'm not on drugs.'

(You're gonna love me for this…) Smile

The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate

September 5, 2009
3:32 PM
Ashraf
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amnesia said:

Impossible to Please

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”


LOL!

September 5, 2009
3:35 PM
Ashraf
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Ahmagudguy said:

Post edited 12:13 PM – September 5, 2009 by Ahmagudguy


The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate


I dont get it ?_?.

September 5, 2009
7:47 PM
Ahmagudguy
U.S.A. - Springfield, Illinois
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Ashraf—-I am “shocked and awed” that you didn't sound it out.Frown

Just say the last word of the joke fast out loud or in your head.  Now do you get it??

Okay, this is right out of a dictionary for your benefit:

   Noun: barbiturate   (baa(r)'bichu'reyt)

Organic compound having powerful soporific effect; overdose can be fatal!!

sedative-hypnotic drugSurprised

Every druggie knows that!!!

Didn't mean for this to go over your head—Ha! Ha!Cool

October 5, 2009
12:05 AM
Ashraf
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Ahmagudguy said:

Ashraf—-I am “shocked and awed” that you didn't sound it out.Frown

Just say the last word of the joke fast out loud or in your head.  Now do you get it??

Okay, this is right out of a dictionary for your benefit:

   Noun: barbiturate   (baa(r)'bichu'reyt)

Organic compound having powerful soporific effect; overdose can be fatal!!

sedative-hypnotic drugSurprised

Every druggie knows that!!!

Didn't mean for this to go over your head—Ha! Ha!Cool


No I get what it is supposed to be but I don't get why its funny >.>'.

October 6, 2009
7:15 AM
amnesia
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Out of Control Help Desk – Abbott & Costello 2009

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who's on first?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm

sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue “w” if you don't start with some

straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your

business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can

I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1”.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1”.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty

much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of

Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?

You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…….

October 10, 2009
1:24 AM
Ashraf
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Haha… that was amusing.

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