May 7, 2009
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
May 7, 2009
If Men Truly Ruled the World
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month!
Garbage would take itself out.
The only show opposite, “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from Another Camera Angle.”
Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words: “Naked Cheerleading”
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop :”Nice one, That’s $10.00 off!”
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would always be in style.
Everyone would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.
Telephone calls would automatically end after 30 seconds.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen – during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
The funniest guy in the office gets to be C.E.O.
“Sorry, I’m late, but I got wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
May 7, 2009
Back in the 80's
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears about how hard things were when they were growing up but now that I’m in my thirties, I can’t help but laugh at the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy!
You live in Utopia. You kids don’t know how good you’ve got it. When I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet; if we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in a thing called a card catalog!
There was no email; we had to write a letter with a pen, find an envelope, lick a stamp, stick it on the envelope, walk all the way across the street, and put it in a mailbox. And then it took a week to get there!
There were no MP3’s. To steal music, we had to get to an actual record store and shoplift it ourself. Or wait around to tape it off the radio but then the DJ would talk over the beginning and mess it up!
We didn’t have Call Waiting. If we were on the phone and somebody else called, they heard a busy signal. And no Caller ID either. When the phone rang, we had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn’t know. We had to actually pick up the phone and take our chances, mister!
We didn’t have fancy Sony PlayStation games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600 with “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and graphics that sucked. Your guy was just a little square. We had to use our imagination. And the same screen forever. And you could never win because the games just got harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like real life!
Movie theaters didn't have stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If some tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat down in front of you, you couldn’t see. You either got up and moved or were screwed!
We had cable television, but it only had 15 channels. No Cartoon Network; we could only see cartoons on Saturday mornings. No onscreen menu. We had to open a little magazine called a "TV Guide" to see what was on. No remote control. Channel surfing? Ha! We had to get off our ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
And no microwave; if you wanted to heat something up we had to use a stove or build a fire. If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
May 7, 2009
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
May 28, 2009
The difference between the North and the South – at last, clearly explained…
The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store….. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper … Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners . After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.
May 28, 2009
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on First?", just may have turned out something like
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for Windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Off? Click on "START."
May 28, 2009
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb taking a vote on what to eat for dinner. Liberty is a well armed sheep.
May 28, 2009
Sorry folks, I didn't notice that amnisea had already posted the Abbot and Costello joke. Oops…
May 28, 2009
To My Democrat Friends,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday. Practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great. (Not to imply
that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only
America in the Western Hemisphere.) Also, this wish is made without
regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith
or sexual preference of the wishees.
To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
November 1, 2009
May 28, 2009
I guess the independents can take their choice, or mix'em together.
May 16, 2009
Seeing as this section of the forums seems a bit neglected, I thought I'd better contribute something. . .
God is with Adam and Eve in The Garden of Eden at the Dawn of Time, letting them choose what human components they would like for themselves from a hamper full of goodies.
Now, there are only two unopened boxes left.
God opens the first of them. Adam and Eve ask what it is.
‘A penis,’ God says.
‘And what can you do with that?’ asks Adam.
‘Well,’ says God, ‘you can do lots of stuff. And really have some fun. For example, little boys can see how far up a wall they can pee!’
‘Fantastic,’ says Adam. ‘I want that!’
So God gives Adam the penis, and from ever and a day thereafter, all men receive a similar gift.
But now there is only one box left.
God opens it. Says to Eve: ‘Well I’m sorry. We're out of choices. So in all fairness, I guess you'd better have this last one for yourself, and for all women for ever and a day after.’
‘All right,’ says Eve, bravely hiding her disappointment. ‘Just as a matter of interest though. . . what is it?’
‘A brain,’ God replies.
May 28, 2009
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it' s not only the passion…Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy..
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it..
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can Get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
The Jews and the Pope
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with one representative member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky.
So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, the tailor, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Poor Moishe! What could this mean? He didn't have a clue. Moishe looked back at the pope and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"
Meanwhile, back in the shtetl, the entire Jewish community had crowded around Moishe filling his tiny tailor shop, and spilling out into the streets around it, expressing their amazement that this little, old man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
'What happened?' they asked. "Vell," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" someone asked.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and ate it, so I took out mine, too."
October 22, 2008
November 1, 2009
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