Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”
The Marx Brothers were comedy gold; and they still have some of the most classic jokes ever.
Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 – SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver!
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY…
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 – BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I 'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 – VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 – SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY…
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 – No Report
Bush and Powell are slaving in the hot sun digging a hole while Rice is sitting under a tree drinking iced tea.
Bush says to Powell, "hey, how come we're out here sweating and she's over there relaxing"?
Powell shrugs and says "I dunno George why don't you go ask her." Bush climbs out of the hole he's been digging and wanders over to Rice and says "Me and Colin want to know why we're working our butts off and you're relaxing under this tree".
"Well George", Rice says, "it's like this."
"You ever heard of a thing called Smarts"? "Smarts", George says, "what's that"? Rice says, "Here I'll show you how it works".
"Now I'll hold my hand up in front of this tree and you punch it as hard as you can, okay?" Bush sensing a great opportunity eagerly agrees. He gathers all of his strength and punches with all of his might but Rice moves her hand just in time for George to bust his on the tree.
"Now you understand how Smarts works George" Rice asks.
"Gheeez", Bush replies, "that's pretty neat". Swelling with confidence Bush goes back to his hole and tells Powell, "hey, this is neat, the reason we're working is because of a thing called Smarts".
"Smarts" Powell says. "What's that."
"Bush replies, "Now I'll hold my hand up in front of my face and you…"
They say the old ones are the best ones (came across this -again- still makes me smile )….
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a woman down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below says "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are about 1000 ft above sea
level. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 88
and 90 degrees West longitude."
"You must be a programmer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
probably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The woman below says, "You must be a project manager"
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you
are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
are already late. However you expect me to solve your problem. The fact
is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but
now it is somehow my fault."
Found this little Gem amongst all the " let me put 50 million dollars in your account type spam "
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